A few days ago, when I was listening to worship and spending time with God, a question popped into my head out of the blue.
If God wouldn’t fulfill His Promises of having a husband, going back to Rancho, etc., would I be offended, or would I still desire His Presence?
At first, I kind of just ignored the question. Obviously I’d be fine. It’s God–how could I not want to spend time with Him? But then I felt God ask me the question again this morning. If I don’t fulfill My promise to you, would you stop searching for Me?
Oof. That hit differently. At first, I was hurt that God would ask me something like that, but then I remembered that He isn’t offended by me. Rather, He asked me that question to make me think. And it did.
For the past week, I’ve been focusing on my relationship with God simply because I wanted to spend time with Him. I would worship, talk to Him about my day, read my Bible, pray for people, and several other things. I have felt at peace with that, even when I wasn’t getting answers to things I had questions about (which you can read about in my last post).
Honestly, after spending a lot of time with Him, I stopped thinking about whether or not He was going to fulfill the promises or not. But the question still had me convicted.
I decided to think about this more. Here is another question that I asked myself afterward: Is His presence or His promise more important to me? Don’t get me wrong, they are both important, but which would I rather have?
Next, I asked God to put this in a perspective for me that I could understand better. I want to share this with you.
I know we all have had moments like this, especially in romantic relationships or parents relationships with their kids. Have you ever had someone approach you, asking for something from you, and then leaves without ever giving a “thank you?” Or maybe this is a better representation: Someone, like a spouse or a child or a friend, comes to you to ask to spend time with you. Maybe they flatter you a little bit. After maybe, like, five minutes, they ask you for something, and you realize their intentions are only to get something from you.
Thinking about this for me, I know I’ve experienced this a lot in my life. I felt like I was doing so much for people, and yet no one would give me appreciation for some of those things and it was hard. It felt like they were using me, even if that is not their intention.
A lot of the time, we do this with God. We come to Him and we worship Him, and then out of the blue we just ask Him for stuff. Any stuff. Then afterward we do that over and over again, and we don’t actually take the time to appreciate Him.
I know a lot of you already know about this. You have probably heard people talk about that it’s more important to have a relationship with God rather than just desire “things” from Him.
But, you know, sometimes people forget. I know I do. We always sing stuff like, “I just want You” and “I want Your Presence” and “I’m not here for blessings.” And then when we don’t see finances come in, or we don’t see our future spouse, or we don’t visually see God’s work on our promises. We ask questions and we forget to just spend time with Him. In fact, sometimes we get upset.
Here’s something. I am not saying that it’s bad to ask for things. However, things shouldn’t get in front of God. Trust me, I’m someone that has had a lot of experience with this. I’ve realized I actually come to God a lot with things I want, but when it comes down to it I have not spent much time with God just to spend time with Him. He has made this very apparent to me these past few weeks in quarantine, and I am sure I am not the only one.
I have a list in my room that I made at the end of April. The title is “How Can I Be a Better Friend to Jesus?” and for me, I am upset that I feel like I had to write that. However, I have followed the list–not everything on it, but I have been making sure to do at least a few things.
Honestly, at first, it felt like a chore. That hurt too, because spending time with literally the best person in the world shouldn’t be a chore. It should be a desire. So, I’ve asked God to help.
This is what He has done about it for me. Throughout this month my curiosity has been ramped up. I know that curiosity is one of my key personality traits, and it’s gotten me into some pretty dumb run-ins. However, I’ve been able to ask a lot of questions. I have looked at a lot of things and wondered, “Why?” or “How?” And you know what? The answers have all been with Him.
I’ve found some answers to questions. There are many, though, that I haven’t found or still cannot understand. But you know what? It has made me more amazed at how crazy cool God is.
For example, I was re-reading Isaiah 43 where it says “God is doing a new thing.” And maybe my blondeness has been working a little extra, but it also says in the Bible that God never changes. For me, it sounds so paradoxal by human means, but to God it isn’t. Somehow, it works, and that’s God. That blows my mind.
Another way God’s been drawing me near to Him is challenging me to search the Bible for Him. For the past few years, God has been highlighting to me this certain number, but during quarantine God has really made that number more significant in my life. It has frustrated me, which only makes me more curious and hungrier to search for what it means. The number is 43. (I know I just used Isaiah 43, but I don’t know if that’s actually it or not.)
By the way, if the number 43 is significant to you in any way, help me please.
I have fallen in love with God again. I have become ready and earnest in searching Him out. In Proverbs 25:2 it says that it’s God’s desire to hide things, and it’s a king’s glory to search them out. We are the kings, because Jesus is the “king of kings.” Honestly, we can only find the good juice if we are genuinely seeking Him.
That is a challenge I wish for everyone to try. Just, at least once, ask God to highlight something for you. Maybe it’s a number, or a certain question.
Maybe He gives you a verse and wants you to study the original Greek or Hebrew on it (I’ve done that twice since I have been here). Maybe spending time with Him is as simple as listening to live, spontaneous worship, or telling Him about your day.
Now, here’s something important that I want to add. Asking God for things is not a bad thing. In fact, He encourages it! It is His desire to give us not only our needs but the desires of our hearts as well (read Psalm 37 and Matthew 6:25-32).
If you couldn’t tell from my last blog post, my love language is gifts. If you don’t know what love languages are, you should look them up. However, to state it briefly, each of us have special ways that we feel loved (in Gary Chapman’s books, he describes it as “ways our love tanks are filled”). I feel loved when I give and receive gifts. It’s also how God reveals His love to me, and that’s how I show my love to Him.
There are some things that I have asked of Him as of recent, and I know they haven’t come true yet. Some of them I am not even sure will happen, but it is me asking, because the worst thing He would say is “no.” He will only say that if He has something better.
Let me share what some of those things are. These a stretch? Some of them, for sure. Just look.
1.I want a car that is good for traveling (like a Jeep or Subaru Forester or Outback) that I can bring with me when I go back to Mexico. While I love walking, it is difficult to walk three miles back and forth from the bus stop just for groceries, especially if I get a lot. It’s also hard to get to the beach (or take any relaxing road trip) when you have to cram a good amount of people into one car or don’t have enough space to bring everyone you want to bring. Just saying.
2. This is probably obvious, but I want to have a husband. I want to have kids–I am so excited to be a mom. I am constantly told and prophesied over that I am going to be a great mom. I am excited to raise my kids for God, and help them in their journeys for falling in love with Him. I am also partial to having Nerf gun fights.
3. I want to see in the supernatural. I hear people talk about seeing angels or crazy weird supernatural creatures around. I know it might be freaky at first, but I would love to see my angels. In fact, while I was in Mexico City, someone told me that I have two angels, and I am going to see them soon. I have no idea when “soon” is, but it is going to happen.
4. Since I was a little kid, I desired to give everything away. People have coined this as “making a living by giving” where you give, so God gives to you and completely provides for you. It has always fascinated me–the financial Kingdom stuff.
5. Drums. I want to learn how to play on a drum set. You can ask my mom–when I was a kid I made my own set out of pots and pans. I have received one prophetic word about this as well. It’s any type of percussion in worship that moves me the most. That is always how it’s been.
So, yes, receiving things for me is great. However, the love behind the giving is more important. He gives us things because He loves us–like, a lot. Like, sacrificially giving His Son in order for us to receive complete access to God without any blockage lot. If that’s news to you, read the Gospel of John.
I am going to be honest. Sometimes I forget about the love behind the gifts. I just wait for the gift, and disregard how much effort God put into giving me something He knew was perfect for me. I feel horrible just writing that. Regardless, it’s true.
It’s something I repented for. Repented to the point where I have moved so far from that thinking and focused on God.
I still ask Him about stuff. In fact, today, He asked if we wanted to talk about my future husband. We are in the process of making a list of features I desire, deal breakers, and things I will be willing to make a sacrifice in.
And I say it with sadness that, if my husband is not as passionate about Star Wars and Lord of the Rings as I am, I will live with it. However, I still have the liberty to watch the movies, get our kids to love it, and play any LEGO video games that apply to it. Including the original PS2 games.
I’ll just leave that there.
I am not writing this blog post to condemn people or make them change their minds about anything. I am writing this because this is what I feel like God has spoken to me about these past few days. You don’t have to agree with what I say, but I that God is a God of quality time. That’s all.
JULIA MCKENNA MYERS 